Man on Fire and Into the Wild

Here’s an odd one two punch of DVD watching.

Both movies are very long but very good.

Man on Fire is about a drunken bodyguard who becomes obsessed with getting revenge on the people who kidnapped his young client.  Denzel Washington is solid bad ass, Chris Walken is his Chris Walkenist, Dakota Fanning is eerily perfect and Marc Anthony looks like he stepped out of one of theose Rankin and Bass Christmas specials.  Cool flick – I refuse to ruin any of the plot.

Into the Wild is about a young college grad who drops out of society and travels to Alaska to “find himself and the meaning of true happiness.”  It stars that kid who plays Speed Racer, William Hurt, somebody else I sort of recognized and Hal Holbrook as the “old guy”.   It’s long. I liked it. Check it out.

As much as I enjoyed both films I think they would work better as ONE incredibly long movie about a drunken bodyguard who gets lost in Alaska while trying to hunt down the society drop out who kidnapped his college student client and taught him the true meaning of happiness.

THAT WOULD BE A MOVIE !

Ya listening HOLLYWOOD?

Batman – Gotham Knap

Batman Gotham Knight sounded like a much better idea than it turned out to be.

5 different anime directors give us their imaginings of the Dark Knight just in time to serve as an appetizer for the biggest movie of the summer.

But as it turns out, there is not an original idea among them.   All moody and morbidly serious without a second of fun throughout.

For all the power of Batman’s gallery of bad guys, we get 12 seconds of Killer Croc for no apparent reason, a smidgen of scarecrow to remind us he was the villain in Batman Begins and a story with Deadshot that is so by the numbers that I actually dozed off.

There is NOTHING original here. Even Kevin Conroy, the official animated voice of the Dark Knight for about 20 years now sounds as if he is phoning it in.

The first story in the anthology is called “Have I got a Story to Tell You”  – it is a piece told from the POV of a group of street kids who have seen the Bat in action in person. It is supposed to show how different people perceive him differently based on experience and situation. The biggest problem is that this story has been told in animation already as part of the wildly more entertaining Batman – The Animated Series and also as an issue of Detective Comics in the early eighties.

Sadly, this whole thing feels hacky and  I really WANTED to like it.

Swing and a big miss by the “masters” of anime.

Check it outta the Redbox if you think I’m being too hard on it – but let me know if you disagree.

Jumper – Revenge of the Suck.

There was a time when all a movie had to do to be good was cast Sam Jackson.

That time has passed.

This movie is about how Sam Jackson hunts down Jumpers – people who can teleport to anywhere at anytime . He does this because – I don’t know why. I don’t think it matters.

I did not make it to the end of this one. Just couldn’t. It’s like Highlander crossed with . . . Howard the Duck and a sliver of … oh it just sucks. Just awful. Hated it.

Good special effects. Sorta.

Blech.

Hayden Christiansen is in this. It made me long for his brilliant character work in Attack of the Clones.

Just not a good way to spend 2 hours – better off at the dentist.

Not even worth a buck in the Redbox believe it or not.

Rambo… close but no AK-47

Wow.

Following the Rocky revisit that for the most part worked (it was a lot better than Rocky 5 at least) , Sylvester Stallone returned to Thailand to see what everybody’s favorite crazy Vietnam Vet has been up to for 20 years.

This is going to sound a lot harsher than I mean it, but Stallone is most effective as this character when he does not speak. Unfortunately the minute he opens his mouth, no matter what he says – all you hear are the countless Rambo impersonators that have done the “Yo” shtick over the years. That’s too bad, because this movie is a LOT better than Rambo 3 which was basically an episode of GI JOE filmed in live action with no regard for realism.

This movie handles the violence of war in a brutal unflinching manner – much the way Saving Private Ryan did. War is random and whether you live or die is more often about standing an inch to the left or right than what kind of Green Beret bad ass you are. This movie captures that feeling very well.

My major problem is with the end . . .

There are a group of mercenaries pinned down in the fight of their life against Burmese forces – the movie has slowly led up to this point and here in the middle of the climax – our main character, “Rambo” stays 500 feet away providing suppression fire. Something tells me their is an alternate cut with Mr. Stallone getting a bit more action. I would really like to know what happened to cause him to end it like this – see it adn tell me if you don’t agree.

I like this WAY more than I expected to. I have no sarcasm regarding it . . . hmm.

Worth a trip to Blockbuster.

P2. Do you know how hard I am fighting to not write PU ?

Angela is your garden variety NYC workaholic stuck late in her Park Avenue office on Christmas Eve.

When she finally leaves for the night, rushing to her sisters in Jersey – her car won’t start in the parking garage of her building. The security guard tries to help, but he can’t. She calls a cab but can’t get out of the building when it arrives because the building is locked and she can’t find the security guard to open it in time.

Oh yeah – and the security guard is obsessed with her and decides to kidnap her and try to force her to be his girlfriend.

Untraceable is definately not Unwatchable

Finally, a good thriller!

This one is worth a trip to Blockbuster . . . it reminded me of Seven. Very dark and creepy but smart and effective. Essentially the whole damn world is full of sickos and voyeurs who have become completely desensitized to violence and the suffering of others because the internet serves it up like low fat popcorn . . . now add Diane Lane and simmer.

There were a few bumps- a lot of the internet tech speak is nonsense and I defy you to hack into Onstar and stop my engine – AND cut off my Blackberry in the span of 5 minutes so that I come to a halt in the exact spot you want me on a bridge in the pouring rain . . . but I’m splitting hairs.

It’s a good suspenseful flick that moves right along and doesn’t flinch. Sorta like Silence of the Lambs meets Seven with a dash of Super Mario Brothers.

Ok I’m messing with you about the Mario brothers part, but come on when is the last time you saw me write two paragraphs without a smart ass remark?

National Treasure 2 – Book of Sedatives . . .

Nick Cage is one smarmy box of ego.

That’s one thing I learned from this movie.

Also – John Voight is slowly turning into a little old lady.

Also – Helen Mirren, surprisingly will do any movie that passes her desk as long as there are enough zeros in the contract (by the way – so will I so keep them scripts coming . . . )

Also – There is a city of gold under Mount Rushmore.

Also – French police will translate riddles for you.

Also – Apparently there are no more movies to make about NASA, because Ed Harris is in this as well.

I learned nothing else because I fell asleep in the middle of the movie and woke up as a City of Gold was discovered under Mount Rushmore.

I don’t think it mattered.

This movie doesn’t have any “bad guys”.

Just a bunch of concerned relatives trying to clear their family names. Which is fine, but man – Nick Cage is smarmy.

Wortha Red Box rental.

Over Her Dead Body doesn’t suck.

There. More of the cutting edge movie review synopsis you have come to expect from Calmixx.

Seriously though, this movie was pretty cute.  Eva Longoria is obnoxious and just a terrible actress in my opinion, – she’s not even that good looking is she?

But Lake Bell – holy crap is she funny.

That Paul Rudd guy is in there too, doing the Paul Rudd thing just like every other Paul Rudd role he’s had – and Jason Biggs (The Pie guy) is there too. What the hell happened to him? Didn’t you expect him to be a bigger star by now?

Anyway, it’s not a bad flick. And Lake Bell is very funny. And hot. Very hot.

Worth time in the Netflix Queue.

PS- this movie is lame.

Hillary Swank has a dead husband in PS- I love you.

Before he died he wrote her a bunch of letters to help her cope with his death.

She gets one each month and she heals a little bit more with each one . . .

BAH.

Hillary Swank will always be that skinny boy in Boys Don’t cry or the dead boxer in Million Dollar baby to me. Hillary Swank in this role is not something I am a fan of.

Now if I were to write letters to my wife from the grave they would go like this . . .

 
January 
Dear WIfe,

This may come as a shock to you, but I always hated Meatloaf.

Love,
Calmixx

February
Dear Wife,

I am not really dead.

Love,
Calmixx

March
Dear Wife,

I also don’t care for Spanish rice. This is not about the rice itself, but more of an ilogical  racist statement.

Love,
Calmixx

April
Dear Wife,

Remember back in February when I said I wasn’t dead? I really am. Pysche !

Love,
Calmixx

You get the idea.  That’s how I would do it.

Yep.
Sigh.

Probably worth a buck at the Redbox.

Steaming pile of Aliens vs. Predator 2…

You see, I’m not the kind of guy who lets others make his decisions for him.

So when my buddy Brother Jobu  told me what a piece of crap this was, I filed the opinion aside but didn’t let it poison the A Vs P well. Well I won’t be making that mistake again.  No sir. From now on, when Brother Jobu says it sucks, IT SUCKS.

How do you screw this up. Take some aliens, take some predators, piss em off and get out the way. This is an easy formula, not a cure for polio. WTF?

Half the time this movie is so darkly lit you can’t even see who is fighting who. In the rare instance you CAN see what the hell is going on, you don’t care.

This was directed by the Brothers Strausse  so I  was like  – “Now it makes perfect sense, they let Zack and Cody make a SCI-FI Horror flick of course it’s gonna suck . . . ” but then my seven year old daughter corrected me and advised that Zack and Cody are the SPROUSE Brothers, so really there is just no excuse.

Hardly worth the buck I spent in the Redbox.