My spot on comedy timing goes unappreciated once again.

I have from time to time on this website extolled the virtues of renting movies from the Redbox.

For a buck you can’t get hurt regardless of whether or not the flick is any good and if you don’t get a chance to even watch the movie . . . it was a DOLLAR. I waste dollars on way less significant stuff than unwatched DVDs – hell I own about 56 DVDs that I have never even opened yet alone watched . . .

Well the one thing I have never really touched on before is what happens when you get to the Redbox and there is already someone there.

Some mouth breathing, flip flop wearin’, 11 sizes too small shirt sportin’ behemoth from the planet Zenon who apparently has never once in the history of their attracting their own gravity had to swipe a freakin’ credit card…

So I’m patiently waiting for like 11 minutes for her to return whatever damn movies she had and choose new ones cause apparently she’s having a G Damn film festival in her house tonight or something and the chick all of a sudden notices that I’m standing there. She’s all giggles and fake embarrassment.

“Oh I didn’t even know you were there . . . I’m sorry – “

And I’m all

“Oh, don’t be silly – take your time . . .”

But I’m thinking to myself that if I don’t get this thing in the slot by 9pm I’m gonna be paying 2 dollars for a movie I still haven’t seen. Truth be told, it was Golden Compass and to be honest – I am willing to pay 2 dollars to not have to watch any more Walden Media movies. My wife thinks my daughter likes them so she keeps getting them. My daughter actually rather enjoyed Untraceable instead as did I – but I already reviewed that movie so back to the train wreck . . .

Now I won’t lie to you. In real life I am very polite to strangers and go out of my way to make them feel comfortable around me. My wife finds this irritating and is sure that it is the cause for 90% of the irritating ass monkeys that we seem to interact with in public on a regular basis but I don’t generally mind them as long as we aren’t stuck in an elevator or trapped in a burning high rise together. She often talks about how when she goes to the store she is in and out and home in 20 minutes, but when I go I meet 5 people and end up helping somebody fix his garage door opener. Oh – and I come home without what I originally went to the store for.

So Jabba the DVD renter finally finishes up her entertainment transaction and turns to me. I smile and move forward to return my movie . . . and she says.

“The last time I was here I was really hoping to rent Juno, there was a guy in front of me for like 10 minutes and he just kept pushing all the buttons and going back and forth between the screens without actually choosing anything. And I really wanted Juno so I was like – oh I hope he doesn’t rent Juno , but then he finally just went back to main screen and left without renting anything – and I was like oh I hope they have Juno and do you know what happened”

I shook my head no. And it was true. I did not know what happened. I also did not care. But again – I’m all about the good impression so my feigned interest suggested that she should go one.

“All of a sudden, Juno came out of the slot. I didn’t even choose it or pay for it or anything and it just came out on it’s own . . . “

Now I need you to understand how fast the next words came out of my mouth.

It was as fast as you read the above sentence. Got it? Almost IMMEDIATELY (unless you have a learning disability – my bad) I said -

“It’s too bad you weren’t hoping for a thousand dollars to come out of the Redbox.”

Is it comedy gold? No of course not, but as a friendly joke passed between strangers it was perfectly acceptable small talk. So did she laugh, did she smile ?

OF COURSE NOT – she stared at me as if I was speaking a different language. She did not get the joke. And now I feel like I need to explain the joke. But I don’t want to explain the joke, I just want to return this stupid Armored Polar Bear movie and go on with my life, but now this woman has ruined everything.

Bah.

I’ll be honest with you. That shit never happened at Blockbuster.