Sam Raimi hates you.

A couple of posts ago I alluded to the fact that Spiderman 3 was a terrible movie.

I have decided to use this lull in new post ideas as an oppurtunity to back up that statement.

My friend Krazy Ivan actually enjoyed the film greatly and so I want to challenge him to write a rebuttal view on his blog. (you can get to it on my list of Like Minded Outpatients on the main page of CALMIXX.WORDPRESS.COM) In essence this will be kind of like a “Dance off” in Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo. But not as timely.

Okay, here we go.

Spiderman 3 was terrible.

There.

That was easier than i expected it to be.

LOL – Ok, ok, seriously.

And now a list of all of the reasons Spiderman 3 was terrible and Sam Raimi hates you.

1. The opening credits did not have any Alex Ross art. Alex Ross art makes everything better.
2.You only see Venom for 2 minutes and 13 seconds. (literally – time it)
3. Peter Parker cries. Alot! Seriously. Every 12 minutes he breaks down like he’s in a scene from freaking Terms of Endearment.
4. Gwen Stacey was supposed to die on the 59th street bridge at the hands of the Green Goblin in the first Spiderman movie. Since she did not and instead was replaced with Mary Jane in that movie, she should not have even BEEN in this movie to remind us that she should have already been dead.
5. Gwen Stacy is much more interesting than Mary Jane Watson. Period. No contest. When Mary Jane and Peter break up I shouldn’t feel like it’s a good thing.
6. Peter Parker should never under any circumstances be in a dance number. The scene in the jazz club reminds me of the dance number in Return of the Jedi except the dance number in Return of the Jedi had hot dancing alien girls and that almost sorta makes me forget all the muppets. The dance number in Spiderman 3 sent me LOOKING for muppets.
7. The Sandman killed Uncle Ben, Darth Vader built C3P0 and Anakin and Greedo had a fist fight on Tattoonie 40 years before Han Solo shot him in self defense. The whole Hollywood universe is 3 and a half blocks long.
8. Harry’s butler has known for 2 years that Spiderman did not kill his father. He just neglected to bring it up until it was needed as a plot device. Furthermore, the reason he knows this is because the wounds appeared to have been caused by the Goblin’s glider. Why is this dude a butler? Apparently he has mad CSI skills that are just going to waste while he serves tea and crumpets to his imbecile employer.
9. Harry hits his head and forgets that he knows Peter’s secret and hates him. This made more sense when it happened on Gilligan’s Island.
10. When Spiderman finally catches up with the Sandman, he takes off his mask, cries some more, and lets him go. The crowd in my theatre was on their feet cheering the assistance that Spidey gave the justice system. Hey news flash folks – When Batman finds the bad guy – the bad guy GOES TO JAIL. Spiderman shouldn’t get to give the guy a pardon. He did more than kill YOUR uncle Spiderman! What about Aunt May? Does SHE get any choice about this? Do you think Uncle Ben is HAPPY NOW? Go deliver some more pizzas with your powers you crybaby emo lookin’ punk.

Hey, James Franco really wasn’t too bad in this movie as Harry.
The first 20 minutes are actually pretty good. But then we get a moment when Stan Lee says “I guess one man can make a difference”.

Go rent Spiderman 3 and see if you don’t agree that from this EXACT POINT, the movie sucks.

In my opinion, that is because Sam Raimi did not want to make a movie with Venom. He was forced to by SONY. That’s why Venom is hardly even in the the flick and when he is, he is used the same way BANE was in the Batman and Robin movie. He’s just there for more toy fodder. So Mr. Raimi gave us 20 minutes of the movie he WANTED to make and then phoned the rest in. To screw SONY. And us.

For the record, Venom LOOKS great and the SAND effects were very well done. But that has little to do with Sam Raimi. I’m sure the artists working in the effects houses were THRILLED to work on Venom and Sandman.

But the first 2 Spiderman movies were not sucesses because they had great special effects. Spiderman 2 is probably the best comic book movie ever made, because of the STORY and the actors. This same team just totally MISSED it in Spiderman 3.

So come on, Krazy Ivan – how are you going to argue with THAT?